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Ten Reasons Why I Don't Have A Girlfriend.
Why don’t I have a girlfriend? I’m sure that that is a question my mother would love to have answered. I’m sure by now most of my family probably thinks that I'm gay because it’s been some time since I have been “involved”. That just might work with the exception of one small tiny requirement. I don’t like penis (except my own of course, after all aren’t we all gay when we masturbate?) nor do I find men attractive. Don’t get me wrong, I like gay people. I think they are hilarious but alas we part ways when it comes to the discussion of penis vs. poon. So why then is it that I do not have a girlfriend? Could it have anything to do with the picture above (yes that is really me)? Nahhhhhh. I will attempt to decipher one of the biggest riddles to plague humanity since the phrase “would I lie to you if it wasn’t true?” #10 - Women hate me. No really, it’s true. Although I am an attractive man, women really do hate me. Why is that? Maybe it’s because I could give two shits about their stupid little games. I grew up in a house of all women and I am hip to the bullshit. I spent my entire life observing interactions between them and the world at large. As a result I can sniff out a snake from across the room. As most of you can tell, I don’t beat around the bush. When a woman flirts with me I laugh and walk away. Don’t waste my fucking time bitch. If you want something just say so. I have better things to do than watch you shake your ass and bat your eyelashes. If fornicating in the nearest public restroom is beneath you, then you are way too high maintenance for me.#9 - Some women consider me TOO attractive. This is a burden I have had to bear my whole life. Do you know what its like to be an outcast because your beauty far exceeds that of the common man? Of course you don't. I wouldn’t wish it upon my worst enemy. It has been described to me by some women as the equivalent of hearing a piece if music so beautiful that you can’t help but cry upon its climax. A beauty so fantastic that it fills you with such joy that your body cannot handle it, pushing you beyond the point of ecstasy. At least that’s the only reason I can come up with as to why all the women I have been with cry when they see me coming. That is precisely why there are no images of my face on this website. It is not simply because I value my anonymity; rather, based on my scientific analysis, the global consequences would be devastating.#8 - Women are intimidated by my brilliance. Blah blah blah. That’s what most women sound like to me (and most men too). I realize that most females are intimidated by a man of my obvious mental abilities. If in fact I come across the rare woman that is near my level of genius, she usually wants to talk and go to museums and shit. Now, I have nothing against talking and going to museums but they just happen to be two of the many things I choose not to participate in. Most educated women have the “crazy” idea that they are somehow “independent” and don’t need to do things like cook me dinner, wash my dishes, clean my house, mother my children, wash my car, stitch my clothing, paint my apartment, lend me money, clean my bathroom, wipe my ass, chew my food, bath me, feed me, and many of the other things women are expected to do for their men. This really does not work for me. So you can see my problem here can’t you?#7 - My balls are too hairy. Yes, I am not afraid to admit it. I have hairy balls! And no I will not shave them. Much like asking a man to accompany you to the fabric store, asking a man to shave his balls is just about the most degrading insult to his masculinity you can throw at him. It is like asking a lion to shave his mane. I have been asked by a few women if they could shave my balls. Fuck no! I don’t even trust the person I trust most in the whole wide world (me) with a razor blade near my scrotum let alone some skank I have just met. Most girls I know like organic, all natural food but when it comes to a little hair on the sack they get all bent out of shape. God damn hypocrites.#6 - I love The Simpsons. Some people might be saying “what the hell does this have to do with not having a girlfriend”? Well let me ask you. What does having a penis have to do with being a man? The fact that the two go hand in hand is precisely my point. If you want me, you must also accept the fact that you will never be number one in my life. There are 22 ½ hours a day that I am able to fully commit to a relationship (thank god most of that is time spent sleeping). The remaining hour and a half is spent recharging my spiritual battery watching The Simpsons. That means that for that hour and a half I neither want to hear your annoying voice, see your annoying face, nor have any inclination that you are alive. Failure to follow this one simple rule will result in immediate termination of the relationship.#5 - I don’t wash my car. I have had my current vehicle for nearly a year and half and I can count the number of times I have washed it on one hand. For a while there the windows were broken and didn’t role up all the way so the dirt began to cake on the seat. The only reason I ended up washing it was because I received a coupon for a free car wash when I got an oil change and my mechanic decided to fix the windows free of charge. I de-clutter my car maybe once a month when it becomes apparent that there is no woman to do it for me. I have been told that most women find this to be quite unattractive but I could really care less. If you don’t like my dirty car then you diffidently do not want to see my ass.#4 - My ass. Much like my balls, my ass has more hair than Michael Jackson’s new “friend” has on his entire body. Also present on my ass are small, round, red formations called pimples (all of which I have named as planets with my ass hole as the center of the universe) that are somewhat hidden by the hair. Also much like my balls, I refuse to shave my ass. One of the great joys of being a man is taking a hefty shit and ripping out a patch of ass hair while wiping. This is a gift from god himself. It says “you’re a man god damn it and no one can take that away from you”. My greatest joy would be for a woman to share in this magical moment with me.#3 - I just don’t care. As hard as I try I just don’t give a shit. I really don’t give a fuck if you like pink, yellow, or blue. I don’t give a shit what your favorite movie is, what your favorite band is, or what your friends names are. I might care if we were about to have a threesome, but probably not. None of that shit matters to me. My life is a constant state of apathy that refuses to give way to anything other than occasional joy in the recognition of my brilliance. If I had to choose between caring about you and getting punched in the face by Mike Tyson; guess which one I’d pick? At least the punch in the face would be less painful than having to hear your high pitched squawking all day long.#2 - I have no money. Yes ,it is true my people. As I sit here I have a total of#1 - I just might be too manly. I think we are finally starting to get to the meat and potatoes of this whole argument. This just might be the crux of the issue. The fact that I have washboard abs, rock hard pecks and bulging biceps might just be a little intimidating to some women. Of course, these features are nicely disguised by my thick layer of reserved energy. I am not manly in the testosterone fueled, shoot-em-up bang bang sense; rather, I am manly in the TRUE sense of the word. Who cares about fighting and exercising? That shit is for pussies. I am manly in the same way as a Filipino Anglerfish. This fish has testicles so big it fills their entire body cavity. Not only does this fish have the biggest balls compared to its overall mass, he spends his whole adult life attached to a female who does all the hunting and swimming. This dude just kicks back all day and takes care of the one thing he’s best at: insemination. Fuck Chuck Norris or Van Damn (or whoever the hell is considered manly) they have nothing on me and the Filipino Anglerfish.I think this just about covers all the bases. At this point in my life, the perks of remaining single far outweigh the few perks of having a committed relationship. My mother always tells me that I require a very special and unique girl. I know she’s out there somewhere. She’s probably reading some other ass holes web site right now! Laughing at HIS stupid jokes! You filthy whore!...........God I'm lonely. -= Bagoda =- |
